By: Omar
Abu -El- Abed decided to visit Amsterdam after he heard a lot about it from "Ahwet El Ejez".
He went around looking for a girl …

- "Abu El Abed: how much per hour?
- "Girl: 100 €
- "Abu El abed: I will give you 200 € if we do it the Lebanese way
- "Girl: No thank you
- "Abu El Abed: went to the next one and asked her how much?
- "Girl: 200 €
- "Abu El Abed: I will give you 400 if we do it the Lebanese way
- "Girl: No thank you
- "Abu El Abed: went to the next one and asked her how much?
- "Girl: 500 €
- "Abu El Abed: I will give you 1000 € if we do it the Lebanese way

The girl accepted and after they finished she looked at him and asked:

- " Girl: Abu El Abed, what's the Lebanese way?
- Abu El Abed: I will pay you later..!
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By: Yazan
Abou El Abed (AA) sent his son Abed to America to learn business. Abed
turned out to be a total failure in his studies, so AA told Abed to
come back to Beirut and learn the business, which is a mini market.
Abed returned, and went with AA to the mini market in order to learn
how to sell.

a.. AA speaking to Abed: now here comes a customer, sit down and
observe how I handle things.
b.. Customer: Bonjour AA.
c.. AA: bonjourene madame
d.. Customer: I need a good washing detergent to wash my curtains.
e.. AA: tikram 3aynik madame. AA went and brought the detergent plus
a bottle of EASY (glass cleaner).
f.. Customer: I understand why you got the detergent, but why did
you get EASY???
g.. AA: because when you are going to remove the curtains, you will
find the windows dirty and you will need EASY to clean them.
h.. Customer: excellent idea AA, thank you very much.
Abed jumped and said I understand now how to do business, let me
handle the next customer!

a.. next customer: Bonjour, I need a pack of ALWAYS PLUS.
b.. Abed: tikram 3anik madame. He went and got a pack of ALWAYS and
a bottle of EASY. The customer and AA looked at Abed astonished!!
c.. Customer: I understand why you got the ALWAYS, but what about the EASY???
d.. Abed: well, since this week there's no sex, spend time cleaning
the windows!
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By: deema
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
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By: ROSEY
HOMSI: HEY MOM WHY DID U MARRY DAD
MOM: BECAUSE HE LOVES ME
HOMSI: REALY YEA BECUSEI SAW HIM WITH ANOTHER GUY
MOM:U SAW WAT
HOMSI : DAD WITH ANOTHER GUY
MOM: OH NO HONEY
HOMSI: YEA MOM
MOM:NO HONEY THAT WAS ME WITHOUT MY WIG

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By: nomi
One leg of a women tells other, united we r saved, divided we r fu--ed!
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By: Sam
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners.

Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted......
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By: Fady
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. !

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.
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By: Fady
How to date?

WHITE WOMEN:

First date:
You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date:
You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date:
You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:

First Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.

CHINESE WOMEN:

First date:
You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date:
You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date:
You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing
is ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:

First date:
Meet her parents.
Second date:
Set the date of the wedding.
Third date:
Wedding night.

MEXICAN WOMEN:

First Date:
You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date:
She's pregnant.
Third Date:
She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her
two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's
girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his
three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

ARAB WOMEN:

First Date:
Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date:
Guy is shot dead.
No third date!!!

LEBANESE WOMEN:

First Date:
You will have to spend all your money to impress

Second Date:
You will take a loan to keep the image
Third Date :
Your are broke, she finds someone wealthier
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By: Yazan
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
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By: Yazan
A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery..
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
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By: Yazan
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
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By: Dana
A Homsi returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his father.
-Son : 'Dad, today we had a Spelling Class - All the other kids could only say half the alphabet, but I knew the whole thing. Is that because I am Homsi?'
-Father : 'No son, that's because you are intelligent!'
The son seeming content with the answer, asks his father another question :
-'Dad today we had Math class - All the other kids could only count from 1 to10 I could count from 1 to 20. Is this because I am Homsi?'
-Father : 'No son that's because you are intelligent!'
Happy with the answer, son asks another question to his father :
-'Dad today we had Medical Examination, all the other boys were shorter than me, I was at least twice their height. Is that because I am Homsi?'
-Father : 'No son, that's because you are 21 years old.'
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By: Dana
homsi: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
MAN: "It's 12:30."
homsi: (puzzled look on his face) "You know, it's the wierdest
thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get
a different answer."
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By: Turki
An Israeli arrives at London's Heathrow airport. As he fills out the entry form, the immigration officer asks him: "Occupation?"

The Israeli promptly replies: "No, No, just visiting!"
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By: Amoura
Phone rings and the chinese maid picks up the phone as her master is bathing.....

When the caller asked what's he doing, the maid replied:
MASTUR BATING!
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