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Latest Jokes (760 Available)
By: joker
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT
YOU A FORTUNE"
Rate
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT
YOU A FORTUNE"
Rate
By: Σuββ
A woman went to a pet shop & spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. “Why so little,” she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her & said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, & sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home & hung the bird’s cage up in her living room & waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, & said, “New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s really not so bad.” When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw & said,”New house, new madam, new girls.”
The girls & the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how & where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman’s husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him & said, “Hi, Keith.”
Rate
A woman went to a pet shop & spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. “Why so little,” she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her & said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, & sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home & hung the bird’s cage up in her living room & waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, & said, “New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s really not so bad.” When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw & said,”New house, new madam, new girls.”
The girls & the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how & where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman’s husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him & said, “Hi, Keith.”
Rate
By: Σuββ
A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology. After one week, a test was held. The professor passed out a sheet of paper divided into four squares. In each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird’s legs. No bodies, no feet, just legs.
The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs. The student sat and stared at the test getting angrier every minute. Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on the teacher’s desk. “This is the worst test I have ever given.”
The teacher looked up and said: “Young man, you have flunked the test. What’s your name?” The student pulled up his pants to the knee showing his legs and said: “You tell me….”
Rate
A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology. After one week, a test was held. The professor passed out a sheet of paper divided into four squares. In each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird’s legs. No bodies, no feet, just legs.
The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs. The student sat and stared at the test getting angrier every minute. Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on the teacher’s desk. “This is the worst test I have ever given.”
The teacher looked up and said: “Young man, you have flunked the test. What’s your name?” The student pulled up his pants to the knee showing his legs and said: “You tell me….”
Rate
By: Homsanny
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $12.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $12.50. A few days later the butcher receives a letter from the lawyer: "$45 due for consultation".
Rate
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $12.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $12.50. A few days later the butcher receives a letter from the lawyer: "$45 due for consultation".
Rate
By: Homsanny
A six-year-old boy walked up to his father one day and announced, 'Daddy, I'd like to get married.' His father replied hesitantly, 'Sure, son, do you have anyone special in mind?'
'Yes,' answered the boy. 'I want to marry Grandma.'
'Now, wait a minute,' said his father. 'You don't think I'd let you get married with my mother, do you?'
'Why not?' the boy asked. 'You married mine.'
Rate
A six-year-old boy walked up to his father one day and announced, 'Daddy, I'd like to get married.' His father replied hesitantly, 'Sure, son, do you have anyone special in mind?'
'Yes,' answered the boy. 'I want to marry Grandma.'
'Now, wait a minute,' said his father. 'You don't think I'd let you get married with my mother, do you?'
'Why not?' the boy asked. 'You married mine.'
Rate
By: ws
There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.
The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, "What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"
Rate
There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.
The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, "What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"
Rate
By: ws
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"
His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
Rate
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"
His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
Rate
By: asfoor
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.
They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.
Rate
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.
They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.
Rate
By: asfoor
Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''
Rate
Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''
Rate
By: asfoor
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.
Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...
"Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...
"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet!"
Rate
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.
Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...
"Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...
"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet!"
Rate
By: asfoor
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for
swimming, so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and
some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five
gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until
you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Some old men can still think fast...
Rate
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for
swimming, so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and
some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five
gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until
you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Some old men can still think fast...
Rate
By: asfoor
A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when
She married she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese
Bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up
her husband's clothes and accidentally lets out a big fart.
She looked up and said, "Aww so sowwy, excuse prease,
front hole so happy, back hole laugh out loud"
Rate
A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when
She married she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese
Bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up
her husband's clothes and accidentally lets out a big fart.
She looked up and said, "Aww so sowwy, excuse prease,
front hole so happy, back hole laugh out loud"
Rate
By: amanda
Three women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead robbed a bank. They were running from the police and hide in a barn. They climbed into three potato sacks to hide.
The police goes up to the first potato sack and kicks it, the brunette says "meow". The police says "oh it is just a cat".
He kicks the next potato sack and the redhead says "ruff ruff". The police says "oh it is just a dog.
The police kicks the third potato sack and the blonde says "p-o-t-a-t-o"....
Rate
Three women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead robbed a bank. They were running from the police and hide in a barn. They climbed into three potato sacks to hide.
The police goes up to the first potato sack and kicks it, the brunette says "meow". The police says "oh it is just a cat".
He kicks the next potato sack and the redhead says "ruff ruff". The police says "oh it is just a dog.
The police kicks the third potato sack and the blonde says "p-o-t-a-t-o"....
Rate
By: Elie
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."
Rate
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."
Rate
By: Elie
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing machines. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. But several years later they contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything, but to no avail.
The engineer reluctantly took on the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small X in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, “This is where your problem is!”
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly: “One chalk mark: $1. Knowing where to put it: $49,999.” Gifted Engineer
Rate
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing machines. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. But several years later they contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything, but to no avail.
The engineer reluctantly took on the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small X in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, “This is where your problem is!”
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly: “One chalk mark: $1. Knowing where to put it: $49,999.” Gifted Engineer
Rate
Disclaimer:
Most of the jokes in this section of the Electronic Magazine are not written by the webmasters. If you find the jokes offending, Souria.com does not assume any responsibility nor will it entertain any complaints regarding the jokes. They are not meant to be racist or offend anyone. If you would rather not read these jokes, please leave this section.
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