one day an old man went to the pet store and bought himself a rabbit. it was late at night as the man was walkin back home. just a few blocks before he got to his house, he seen an old man smoking hasheesh walking on the same side walk. as they came close to eachother, the drugy stoped the man with the rabbit and asked a question. he said how much would you sell me this monkey, said the old man? the man replied, its a rabbit, first of all, and second his not for sale. so the other man said, i wasnt talking to you, i was talkin to your pet.
ur moma is so stupid because she tripped over a wireless phone.
A blonde had two horses, but she couldn't tell them apart. So she asked her neighbor for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses. This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence. So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses' ear. This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence. So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses. And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse.
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A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off.“How did this happen?” the doctor asked.“Well I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.“Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?”“No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, ‘I just paid $6,000 for these,’then I put it in my mouth and I thought, ‘I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth fixed.’So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, ‘this is going to make a loud noise,’ so I put my finger in my ear before I pulled the trigger.”
Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you'll make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
how does the homsi kill a fish???????
he drowns it in water
these 3 men died and went to heaven. before they entered the golden gate the angel ask the first person how many times have you cheated on your wife the guy said to be honest 10 times the angel said thats not good for that u have to drive this tarago around heaven the angel asked the next guy how many times he cheated on his wife the guy replied 3 times the angel replied for that you have to drive this mercedes benz around heaven the angel asked the last guy how many times he cheated on his wife the guy said none the angel was happy so he gave him a brand new ferrari to drive around heaven but then he burst into tears the angel said whats wrong the guy said i saw my wife rollerskating around heaven hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
der was a couple by da well makin a wish da man made a wish 1st now it was da ladies turn 2 make a wish she leaned over and fell in da man sed"wow it really does work!!"
when do teachers where sunglasses?
when thy teach bright students
By: small paul
This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night. The other people in the bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her arm.
Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink". The bartender replies, "She's not a ballerina. What makes you think she's a ballerina?"
The drunk says, "Any girl that can life her leg that high, has to be a ballerina!"
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and chesse with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?"
"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."
A woman took off he jeans and threw it at her husband and said: "MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!"... the husband removed his jeans threw it at her and said "WASH BOTH!"
A DOCTOR TELLS A HOMSI, MILK IS GOOD FOR YOUR TEETH, SO WAT DOES THIS HOMSI DO??? STARTS BRUSHING HIS TEETH WITH MILK!!!!