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Latest Jokes (793 Available)
By: baba
There was a shamia, haleba, and a homsia stuck on a stranded island. The nearest land was six miles away. The shamia went swan three miles, got tired and drowned. The haleba also swan three miles, got tired and drowned. The homsia swan three miles, got tired and swam back to the stranded island. LOLZ
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There was a shamia, haleba, and a homsia stuck on a stranded island. The nearest land was six miles away. The shamia went swan three miles, got tired and drowned. The haleba also swan three miles, got tired and drowned. The homsia swan three miles, got tired and swam back to the stranded island. LOLZ
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By: the three musketeers
there was once a old lady with three daughters. There was a 13 year-old, a 15 year-old, and a 18 year-old. One night, during the cold winter, there was a knock on the door, and a guy was at the door saying "please let me in I'm cold, I'm hungry, and I don't have a place to stay!" So the old lady let him in, and she fed him, let him take a bath, and told him with her youngest daughter. An hour later, there was another knock at the door, and a guy was at the door saying "please let me in I'm cold, I'm hungry, and I don't have a place to stay!" So the old lady let him in, and she fed him, let him take a bath, and told him with her middle daughter. After a while, there was another knock at the door, and a guy was at the door saying "please let me in I'm cold, I'm hungry, and I don't have a place to stay!" So the old lady let him in, and she fed him, let him take a bath, and told him with her oldest daughter. Later on in the night the old lady was walking past her daughters' rooms, and as she passed her oldest daughter's room, she heard "uhhh uhhh." Then as she past her middle daughter's room, she heard " oh man! it wont fit!!!" then finally as she passed her youngest daughter's room she heard nothing but silence. The next day, the old woman asked her youngest daughter "why was your room so quiet last night?" and the daughter replied " because you taught me never to speak with my mouth full"
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there was once a old lady with three daughters. There was a 13 year-old, a 15 year-old, and a 18 year-old. One night, during the cold winter, there was a knock on the door, and a guy was at the door saying "please let me in I'm cold, I'm hungry, and I don't have a place to stay!" So the old lady let him in, and she fed him, let him take a bath, and told him with her youngest daughter. An hour later, there was another knock at the door, and a guy was at the door saying "please let me in I'm cold, I'm hungry, and I don't have a place to stay!" So the old lady let him in, and she fed him, let him take a bath, and told him with her middle daughter. After a while, there was another knock at the door, and a guy was at the door saying "please let me in I'm cold, I'm hungry, and I don't have a place to stay!" So the old lady let him in, and she fed him, let him take a bath, and told him with her oldest daughter. Later on in the night the old lady was walking past her daughters' rooms, and as she passed her oldest daughter's room, she heard "uhhh uhhh." Then as she past her middle daughter's room, she heard " oh man! it wont fit!!!" then finally as she passed her youngest daughter's room she heard nothing but silence. The next day, the old woman asked her youngest daughter "why was your room so quiet last night?" and the daughter replied " because you taught me never to speak with my mouth full"
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By: Emad
An old Arab man who has been living for 40 years in Idaho wanted to cultivate potatoes in his garden, but to remove the earth was getting to be too hard for his age. His only son, Ali, was studying in France, so he decided to send him an e-mail explaining the situation:
"Dear Ali:
I feel very disappointed because this year I'll be unable to plant my potatoes in the garden. I am too old to plow the ground. I wish you were here, then my problems would be solved, because you would remove the soil for me. I love you,
Dad"
"Dear Dad:
For God's sake, DO NOT remove the ground of that garden. It's there that I have hidden "you-know-what". I love you,
Ali"
At 4 a.m. the next morning the local Police, FBI and CIA agents, along with Pentagon delegates, came in and put the garden upside down looking for dangerous material to build bombs, anthrax or whatever. They found nothing and they left.
The same day the old man received another e-mail from his son:
"Dear Dad:
I am sure you can plant your potatoes now. It was the best I could do in the current circumstances. I love you,
Ali"
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An old Arab man who has been living for 40 years in Idaho wanted to cultivate potatoes in his garden, but to remove the earth was getting to be too hard for his age. His only son, Ali, was studying in France, so he decided to send him an e-mail explaining the situation:
"Dear Ali:
I feel very disappointed because this year I'll be unable to plant my potatoes in the garden. I am too old to plow the ground. I wish you were here, then my problems would be solved, because you would remove the soil for me. I love you,
Dad"
"Dear Dad:
For God's sake, DO NOT remove the ground of that garden. It's there that I have hidden "you-know-what". I love you,
Ali"
At 4 a.m. the next morning the local Police, FBI and CIA agents, along with Pentagon delegates, came in and put the garden upside down looking for dangerous material to build bombs, anthrax or whatever. They found nothing and they left.
The same day the old man received another e-mail from his son:
"Dear Dad:
I am sure you can plant your potatoes now. It was the best I could do in the current circumstances. I love you,
Ali"
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By: Crash_Master
A man named Mike went over to his friend's house and rang the bell. His friend's wife, Nora, answered the door. "Hi, is Tony home?" he asked her. "No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No, come on in." They sat down and shortly Mike said, "You know, Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could see just one." Nora thought about this for a second, and thought about how badly they needed the money right now. She opened her robe and exposed one. Mike promptly thanked her and put $100 on the table. They sat there a while longer, and Mike said, "They are so beautiful! I'd love to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see both of them together."
Nora thought about this for a moment, then opened her robe and gave Mike a nice big look. Mike thanked her and threw another $100 on the table. Then he said he couldn't wait any longer for Tony and left.
A while later, Tony arrived and Nora said, "You know, your weird friend Mike came over while you were gone."
Tony turned and said, "Good. Did he drop off the $200 he owed me?"
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A man named Mike went over to his friend's house and rang the bell. His friend's wife, Nora, answered the door. "Hi, is Tony home?" he asked her. "No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No, come on in." They sat down and shortly Mike said, "You know, Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could see just one." Nora thought about this for a second, and thought about how badly they needed the money right now. She opened her robe and exposed one. Mike promptly thanked her and put $100 on the table. They sat there a while longer, and Mike said, "They are so beautiful! I'd love to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see both of them together."
Nora thought about this for a moment, then opened her robe and gave Mike a nice big look. Mike thanked her and threw another $100 on the table. Then he said he couldn't wait any longer for Tony and left.
A while later, Tony arrived and Nora said, "You know, your weird friend Mike came over while you were gone."
Tony turned and said, "Good. Did he drop off the $200 he owed me?"
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By: lin
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
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It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
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By: esamio11
A BLONDE SAID TO HER FRIEND, MY HSBAND BOUGHT ME A DOZEN OF ROSES THDAY, NOW I HAVE TO KEEP MY LEGS OPEN ALL NIGHT. THE OTHER BLONDE SAID Y U DONT HAVE A VASE.
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A BLONDE SAID TO HER FRIEND, MY HSBAND BOUGHT ME A DOZEN OF ROSES THDAY, NOW I HAVE TO KEEP MY LEGS OPEN ALL NIGHT. THE OTHER BLONDE SAID Y U DONT HAVE A VASE.
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By: Tareq_s
A 98lb. weakling goes to the beach. When he gets there he sees over on the next towel a big Charles Atlas/Arnold Schwartzcopfenegger type guy with 5 absolutely stunning women. At the end of the day the weakling goes over to the muscleman and asks him, "How can I get some of this female action like you've got?"
The muscleman says, "Easy, next time you come to the beach put a potato in your swimming trunks."
"No problem," says the weakling.
The next day he does just that and returns to the beach to try his luck. Nothing...zilch. The muscleman is there again with 5 more women.
At the end of the day the weakling once again approaches the muscleman and says, "I tried the potato, but still nothing. I can't get anything going with any women. What am I doing wrong?"
The muscleman answers, "Next time put the potato in the FRONT of your swimming trunks."
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A 98lb. weakling goes to the beach. When he gets there he sees over on the next towel a big Charles Atlas/Arnold Schwartzcopfenegger type guy with 5 absolutely stunning women. At the end of the day the weakling goes over to the muscleman and asks him, "How can I get some of this female action like you've got?"
The muscleman says, "Easy, next time you come to the beach put a potato in your swimming trunks."
"No problem," says the weakling.
The next day he does just that and returns to the beach to try his luck. Nothing...zilch. The muscleman is there again with 5 more women.
At the end of the day the weakling once again approaches the muscleman and says, "I tried the potato, but still nothing. I can't get anything going with any women. What am I doing wrong?"
The muscleman answers, "Next time put the potato in the FRONT of your swimming trunks."
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By: matchmaker
A matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her.
"I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said, "but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, a sample."
The woman was shocked at such a request.
The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, "He's a business man. He buys goods in the market and he sells goods. For him, it's not a big deal, just a sample."
She thought a minute. "He's a business man? So tell him I don't give samples. If he wants, I can give him references."
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A matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her.
"I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said, "but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, a sample."
The woman was shocked at such a request.
The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, "He's a business man. He buys goods in the market and he sells goods. For him, it's not a big deal, just a sample."
She thought a minute. "He's a business man? So tell him I don't give samples. If he wants, I can give him references."
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By: cutie
there were two men out on a camp, they slept under a tree on a bunk bed. the first night one of the men slept at the top, the other down the bottom. while they were asleep, a mafia came along and hit the man sleeping at the top with a bat. The second night the same process happened. the third night the man that sleeps at the top tells his friend, can you sleep at the top tonight? i've been hit already twice. his friend agrees. that night the mafia came back, one of the mafia men said >i feel sorry for the top guy, lets hit the bottom guy for a change<.
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there were two men out on a camp, they slept under a tree on a bunk bed. the first night one of the men slept at the top, the other down the bottom. while they were asleep, a mafia came along and hit the man sleeping at the top with a bat. The second night the same process happened. the third night the man that sleeps at the top tells his friend, can you sleep at the top tonight? i've been hit already twice. his friend agrees. that night the mafia came back, one of the mafia men said >i feel sorry for the top guy, lets hit the bottom guy for a change<.
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By: Zoooooooz
Two Israelies boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in
the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat,
little Arab guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Israelies. He
kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the
Israeli
in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Arab. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the
Israeli picked up the Arab's shoe and spit in it. When the Arab returned
with the coke, the other Israeli said, "That looks good. I think I'll have
one too." Again, the Arab obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is
gone
the Israeli other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Arab
returned
with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New
York.
As the plane was landing the Arab slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our
peoples.....
this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in
cokes?"
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Two Israelies boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in
the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat,
little Arab guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Israelies. He
kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the
Israeli
in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Arab. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the
Israeli picked up the Arab's shoe and spit in it. When the Arab returned
with the coke, the other Israeli said, "That looks good. I think I'll have
one too." Again, the Arab obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is
gone
the Israeli other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Arab
returned
with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New
York.
As the plane was landing the Arab slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our
peoples.....
this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in
cokes?"
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By: miha
A middle aged man bought a brand new convertible Porsche. He took off
>down the road, pushed it up to 160 and was enjoying the wind blowing
>through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated
>to an even higher speed. But when he eventually looked in his rear-view
>mirror there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can
>get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it
>some more, and flew down the road at over 210 km/hr to escape being
>stopped.
>
> Then he thought, What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of
>thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the
>Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the
>Porsche and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir, my Shift ends in five
>minutes and today is Friday the 13th. "If you can give me a good reason
>that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you
>go"
>
> The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran
>off with a Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."
>
> The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."
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A middle aged man bought a brand new convertible Porsche. He took off
>down the road, pushed it up to 160 and was enjoying the wind blowing
>through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated
>to an even higher speed. But when he eventually looked in his rear-view
>mirror there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can
>get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it
>some more, and flew down the road at over 210 km/hr to escape being
>stopped.
>
> Then he thought, What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of
>thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the
>Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the
>Porsche and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir, my Shift ends in five
>minutes and today is Friday the 13th. "If you can give me a good reason
>that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you
>go"
>
> The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran
>off with a Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."
>
> The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."
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By: samir khoury
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, now she's angry!
She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and points to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!"
"Shut up," she says, "You're next."
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A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, now she's angry!
She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and points to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!"
"Shut up," she says, "You're next."
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By: Zooz
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have money for food," the poor man replied. "Well, then, you can come with me to my house" the lawyer said. "But sir , I have a wife and two children with me." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man then, in a pitiful voice said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking us all. The lawyer replied, " Glad to do it.......... You'll love my place; The grass is almost a foot high."
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One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have money for food," the poor man replied. "Well, then, you can come with me to my house" the lawyer said. "But sir , I have a wife and two children with me." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man then, in a pitiful voice said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking us all. The lawyer replied, " Glad to do it.......... You'll love my place; The grass is almost a foot high."
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By: jenny
A man checked into a hotel.
>There was a computer in his room,
>So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
>However, he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address, and without
>realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
>Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from
>her husband's funeral.
>The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives
>and friends.
>After reading the first message, she fainted.
>The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
>saw the computer screen which read:
>To: My Loving Wife
>Subject: I've reached
>Date: 16 May 2004
>I know you're surprised to hear from me.
>They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your
>Loved ones.
>I've just reached and have been checked in.
>I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
>Looking forward to seeing you then!
>Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
>P.s It is damn hot down here!!
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A man checked into a hotel.
>There was a computer in his room,
>So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
>However, he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address, and without
>realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
>Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from
>her husband's funeral.
>The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives
>and friends.
>After reading the first message, she fainted.
>The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
>saw the computer screen which read:
>To: My Loving Wife
>Subject: I've reached
>Date: 16 May 2004
>I know you're surprised to hear from me.
>They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your
>Loved ones.
>I've just reached and have been checked in.
>I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
>Looking forward to seeing you then!
>Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
>P.s It is damn hot down here!!
Rate
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Most of the jokes in this section of the Electronic Magazine are not written by the webmasters. If you find the jokes offending, Souria.com does not assume any responsibility nor will it entertain any complaints regarding the jokes. They are not meant to be racist or offend anyone. If you would rather not read these jokes, please leave this section.
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