Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house."
Being more efficient !!!
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant,and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop
frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon".
Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary
saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?" Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $300!" "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, and Carl
went to the back room to find it. From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary , you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary replied, "No, but I will for the
Bullfrogs & Blowjobs
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!"
"Blow jobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."
This could happen to you.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
"No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl!!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said
"Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral.........I'm a gynecologist.
The proctologist fainted.
Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.
She is half discovered, half wild .
Between the ages of 20 - 30 a woman is like America.
Fully discovered and scientifically perfect.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India & Japan.
Very hot, wise and beautiful !!!!!!!!!
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France.
She is half destroyed after the war but still desirable.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Germany.
She lost the war but not the hope.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia.
Very wide, very quiet but nobody goes there.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England.
With a glorious past but no future.
After 70, they become Siberia.
Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given
by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read
at Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop
at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying
"Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if
you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light
and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife
told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see
from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were
people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police who asked, "Is
someone in your house?" and he said "No". Then they said that all patrols
were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be
along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and
phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my
shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot
Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
A female police officer pulls over a drunk driver that was driving down the wrong side of the road
The officer says:
-"Sir, you are under arrest, anything you're going to say can and will be held against you"
-"0.k.!" replied the drunk driver "Your Tits!"
The Vegas Trip
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around during their break and discussed their vacation.
The first guy said, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms and hollers, '7 come 11' all night, and I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
The second guy said, "I know what you mean! My old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and now she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light or hit me hard,' and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"
The third guy said, "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there. Now, every morning, I wake up with a sore penis and a butt full of quarters!"