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Jokes Sorted by Rate (793 Available)
By: emadullah
Mr. Verma comes home one night, and his wife throws
her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a
month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The
doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for
sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs.Verma receives a telephone call from
AEC (Ahmedabad Electric Company) because the
electricity bill has not been paid.
" Am I speaking to Mrs.Verma ? "
"Yes...... speaking"
AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy
"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW
?????"
" Yes ............. We have a system of finding out
who's overdue "
" GOD !!!!!!......... this is too much.........."
"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I
have to inform you are overdue"
"I know that ....... let me talk to my husband about
this tonight. ... he will speak to your company
tomorrow "
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and
he, mad a s a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day
morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is
a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at
AEC,
"it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to
cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
Rate
Mr. Verma comes home one night, and his wife throws
her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a
month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The
doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for
sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs.Verma receives a telephone call from
AEC (Ahmedabad Electric Company) because the
electricity bill has not been paid.
" Am I speaking to Mrs.Verma ? "
"Yes...... speaking"
AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy
"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW
?????"
" Yes ............. We have a system of finding out
who's overdue "
" GOD !!!!!!......... this is too much.........."
"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I
have to inform you are overdue"
"I know that ....... let me talk to my husband about
this tonight. ... he will speak to your company
tomorrow "
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and
he, mad a s a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day
morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is
a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at
AEC,
"it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to
cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
Rate
By: aLeX DeL PieRo
Once a homsi went to a restauant & ordered a pizza,so the waiter asked him:
-Would you like me to cut it in 6 slices or 12?
he anwsered : cut it in 6, i cant eat 12 pieces.
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Once a homsi went to a restauant & ordered a pizza,so the waiter asked him:
-Would you like me to cut it in 6 slices or 12?
he anwsered : cut it in 6, i cant eat 12 pieces.
Rate
By: Abou samra
Why the does the homsi angry and confused when he gets twins ??? :he wonders who is the father of the second child .
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Why the does the homsi angry and confused when he gets twins ??? :he wonders who is the father of the second child .
Rate
By: Melissa Atalla
A white boy moved out of New York City into a farm in the middle of no where. One day he wanted some chicken food. so he drove 2 hours to the market and the cashier said i have to have proof that you have a chicken. so he drove 2 hours back to his farm. and got his chicken with him. The next day he wanted to buy dog food. he drove 2 hours back to the market, and the cashier wanted proof that he had a dog. so he drove 2 hours back to the farm and got his dog. the next day he got a shoe box and poked 2 holes in it, he went to the market and he told the cashier to stick her fingers in the holes. She said " IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT." The white boy said "yup i need toilet paper." : )
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A white boy moved out of New York City into a farm in the middle of no where. One day he wanted some chicken food. so he drove 2 hours to the market and the cashier said i have to have proof that you have a chicken. so he drove 2 hours back to his farm. and got his chicken with him. The next day he wanted to buy dog food. he drove 2 hours back to the market, and the cashier wanted proof that he had a dog. so he drove 2 hours back to the farm and got his dog. the next day he got a shoe box and poked 2 holes in it, he went to the market and he told the cashier to stick her fingers in the holes. She said " IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT." The white boy said "yup i need toilet paper." : )
Rate
By: luay
A small boy is sent to bed by his father...
[Five minutes later]
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
[Five minutes later]
"Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
[Five minutes later]
"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
Rate
A small boy is sent to bed by his father...
[Five minutes later]
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
[Five minutes later]
"Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
[Five minutes later]
"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
Rate
By: rich
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would
you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - -silence - -
HUSBAND! : "oh shit"
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WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would
you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - -silence - -
HUSBAND! : "oh shit"
Rate
By: =)
One day there was a blonde driving down the street when she sees a bunch of people gathered around looking at something. The blonde parks her car and goes to see what is going on. All the people were looking out onto a green meadow where a blonde was in the middle paddling a canoe. The blonde got angry because all the people were laughing at her, so she says: It's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name, as soon as I swim over there I am going to kick.....
Rate
One day there was a blonde driving down the street when she sees a bunch of people gathered around looking at something. The blonde parks her car and goes to see what is going on. All the people were looking out onto a green meadow where a blonde was in the middle paddling a canoe. The blonde got angry because all the people were laughing at her, so she says: It's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name, as soon as I swim over there I am going to kick.....
Rate
By: oasis
There was a German, an Italian and a Homsi on death row.
The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
To be shot
To be hung
To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
The German said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead instantly.)
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)
Then the Homsi said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and the Homsi fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Homsi said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"
The Homsi replied, "You guys are so stupid ..... I'm wearing a condom!"
Rate
There was a German, an Italian and a Homsi on death row.
The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
To be shot
To be hung
To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
The German said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead instantly.)
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)
Then the Homsi said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and the Homsi fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Homsi said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"
The Homsi replied, "You guys are so stupid ..... I'm wearing a condom!"
Rate
By: Imado
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a
helicopter, ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because,as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men
started clapping their hands .......
Rate
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a
helicopter, ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because,as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men
started clapping their hands .......
Rate
By: StealtH
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
"Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse.
It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office."
Sincerely yours
Edna
Rate
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
"Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse.
It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office."
Sincerely yours
Edna
Rate
By: laughable
Abou El Abed was asked by his instructor to write an essay in English about any interesting encounter that happened recently with him.
So he wrote in a classical translation from Arabic to English:
From some 2 months 3 -I recognized a girl in the tooth of the elephant.(sen el fil) She was other look and like the moon! Burn her religion(ye7re2 dina)what beautiful. I tried to touch her pulse to see if there is space and it appeared that she is interested. The first day I talked her on the phone and the second day she invited me on the lunch I asked her "what you kitchenized?"(shou teibkha) She said "some of his mother's yoghurt on the walking"(shwayyet laban emmo 3al meishi) I liked her project and before I arrived to her, I went to the Milker(al 7allab) and bought some" lady's arms"(znoud l sett) and some "eat and say thank you"(kol w shkor) She opened me the door and when she saw the handsome(l 7elo) in my hand she said "yiiiii! your hands be safe why torture yourself my uncle?" While we are eating, rang the doorbell. She opened the door and entered her old boyfriend. He asked her "who is he?", she said "not your entry" I knew straight he wanted to problemize it(baddo ymashkela) He said "my eye on you and on him, I will count God not create you!"(be7sob alla ma khala2ik) I said "look, my head does not carry me break the evil before the gypsy milk goes up huh! Go pave the sea(ballet l ba7er) and bleach from my face now!" The man felt on his blood(7ass 3a dammo) and left the room. In the truth, he poisoned my body(sammalei badanei) very much. But the girl gave breakfast to my nerves(rawwa2et a3sabi) She said "don't carry worry, my life don't carry worry put your hands in cold water" I told her "like my foot,(metel ejrei) tell me, are you empty tonight?" She said "yes, I emptify myself for you". I told her "thank you my love, you are very digestible(mahdoumei)"!
Rate
Abou El Abed was asked by his instructor to write an essay in English about any interesting encounter that happened recently with him.
So he wrote in a classical translation from Arabic to English:
From some 2 months 3 -I recognized a girl in the tooth of the elephant.(sen el fil) She was other look and like the moon! Burn her religion(ye7re2 dina)what beautiful. I tried to touch her pulse to see if there is space and it appeared that she is interested. The first day I talked her on the phone and the second day she invited me on the lunch I asked her "what you kitchenized?"(shou teibkha) She said "some of his mother's yoghurt on the walking"(shwayyet laban emmo 3al meishi) I liked her project and before I arrived to her, I went to the Milker(al 7allab) and bought some" lady's arms"(znoud l sett) and some "eat and say thank you"(kol w shkor) She opened me the door and when she saw the handsome(l 7elo) in my hand she said "yiiiii! your hands be safe why torture yourself my uncle?" While we are eating, rang the doorbell. She opened the door and entered her old boyfriend. He asked her "who is he?", she said "not your entry" I knew straight he wanted to problemize it(baddo ymashkela) He said "my eye on you and on him, I will count God not create you!"(be7sob alla ma khala2ik) I said "look, my head does not carry me break the evil before the gypsy milk goes up huh! Go pave the sea(ballet l ba7er) and bleach from my face now!" The man felt on his blood(7ass 3a dammo) and left the room. In the truth, he poisoned my body(sammalei badanei) very much. But the girl gave breakfast to my nerves(rawwa2et a3sabi) She said "don't carry worry, my life don't carry worry put your hands in cold water" I told her "like my foot,(metel ejrei) tell me, are you empty tonight?" She said "yes, I emptify myself for you". I told her "thank you my love, you are very digestible(mahdoumei)"!
Rate
By: Mimo
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
The mother looks over at the little girl,
"Honey,you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns.
"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her driver's
license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,"I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"
The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And...I know why you and
daddy got divorce."
"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?"
To which the girl replies,
"Because you got an F in sex."
Rate
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
The mother looks over at the little girl,
"Honey,you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns.
"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her driver's
license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,"I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"
The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And...I know why you and
daddy got divorce."
"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?"
To which the girl replies,
"Because you got an F in sex."
Rate
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Most of the jokes in this section of the Electronic Magazine are not written by the webmasters. If you find the jokes offending, Souria.com does not assume any responsibility nor will it entertain any complaints regarding the jokes. They are not meant to be racist or offend anyone. If you would rather not read these jokes, please leave this section.
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