A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology. After one week, a test was held. The professor passed out a sheet of paper divided into four squares. In each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird’s legs. No bodies, no feet, just legs.
The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs. The student sat and stared at the test getting angrier every minute. Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on the teacher’s desk. “This is the worst test I have ever given.”
The teacher looked up and said: “Young man, you have flunked the test. What’s your name?” The student pulled up his pants to the knee showing his legs and said: “You tell me….”
A woman went to a pet shop & spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. “Why so little,” she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her & said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, & sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home & hung the bird’s cage up in her living room & waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, & said, “New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s really not so bad.” When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw & said,”New house, new madam, new girls.”
The girls & the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how & where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman’s husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him & said, “Hi, Keith.”
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT
YOU A FORTUNE"
A man was going on vacation and left his brother in charge of feeding his cat. After a week he called home to ask how it was going and the brother told him the cat was dead. The man told him he should have informed him in a more empathetic manner, first telling him the cat had chased a bird on the roof and fallen and was at the vets. The next day he could say the vet tried to save the cat but could not. The brother agreed he could have been more empathetic.
Next the man asked "How is Grandma". His brother replied, "Well, she was up on the roof chasing a bird..."
THE BLACK PANTIES
Anna had lost her husband almost 4 yrs ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have
someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another, and after dating for a couple of weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Wisconsin. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties, he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him & asked : "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again. Now, I'll be expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"
His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.
The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, "What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"
A six-year-old boy walked up to his father one day and announced, 'Daddy, I'd like to get married.' His father replied hesitantly, 'Sure, son, do you have anyone special in mind?'
'Yes,' answered the boy. 'I want to marry Grandma.'
'Now, wait a minute,' said his father. 'You don't think I'd let you get married with my mother, do you?'
'Why not?' the boy asked. 'You married mine.'
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $12.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $12.50. A few days later the butcher receives a letter from the lawyer: "$45 due for consultation".
Three women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead robbed a bank. They were running from the police and hide in a barn. They climbed into three potato sacks to hide.
The police goes up to the first potato sack and kicks it, the brunette says "meow". The police says "oh it is just a cat".
He kicks the next potato sack and the redhead says "ruff ruff". The police says "oh it is just a dog.
The police kicks the third potato sack and the blonde says "p-o-t-a-t-o"....
A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when
She married she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese
Bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up
her husband's clothes and accidentally lets out a big fart.
She looked up and said, "Aww so sowwy, excuse prease,
front hole so happy, back hole laugh out loud"
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for
swimming, so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and
some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five
gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Some old men can still think fast...
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.
Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...
"Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...
"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet!"
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for
a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice.