A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $12.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $12.50. A few days later the butcher receives a letter from the lawyer: "$45 due for consultation".
Three women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead robbed a bank. They were running from the police and hide in a barn. They climbed into three potato sacks to hide.
The police goes up to the first potato sack and kicks it, the brunette says "meow". The police says "oh it is just a cat".
He kicks the next potato sack and the redhead says "ruff ruff". The police says "oh it is just a dog.
The police kicks the third potato sack and the blonde says "p-o-t-a-t-o"....
A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when
She married she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese
Bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up
her husband's clothes and accidentally lets out a big fart.
She looked up and said, "Aww so sowwy, excuse prease,
front hole so happy, back hole laugh out loud"
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for
swimming, so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and
some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five
gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Some old men can still think fast...
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.
Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...
"Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...
"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet!"
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an (f) In arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the fuckin' difference?' asks th e father.
'That's what I said!'
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. 'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY. 'Last night at
the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fuckin'
Man was praying to god.
He said, "God?"
God responded, " Yes?"
And the Guy said, " Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead", God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "A million years to me is only a second."
The man wondered.
Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."
So the man said, " God can I have a penny?"
And God cheerfully said,
"Sure!....... just a second."
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential?'
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential!'
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing machines. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. But several years later they contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything, but to no avail.
The engineer reluctantly took on the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small X in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, “This is where your problem is!”
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly: “One chalk mark: $1. Knowing where to put it: $49,999.” Gifted Engineer
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for
a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice.
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual
route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in
the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out
with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one heck of a party last night." the
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This
is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had
about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for a halloween
party and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we
started playing WHO AM I?"
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with
a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the
sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "Your name came up four
or five times."
President Bush pays Queen Elisabeth a return visit en is welcomed with a dignified reception.
The two heads of state are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire.
The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious!
Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the president does his best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to Bush saying, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Bush, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replies, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
How do you know a woman is saying something smart??
She begins it with "a man once told me"
A man playing golf by himself hits a hole in one on the fifth hole, and out pops a genie to offer him one wish.
“That’s easy,” he says. “I wish I had a bigger dick.”
“It will be so,” says the genie, who then disappears.
The guy’s johnson grows longer as he continues playing, until by the 11th hole it’s hanging out of his pants leg. He gets another hole in one, and again the genie appears to offer him a wish.
“I keep tripping over my dick, and it’s really annoying,” says the man.
“So what is your wish, master, do you want me to shrink for you?” asks the genie.
“No, I want longer legs.”