once a silly man married a silly woman so the woman gave birth to a child who tried to show them that he is dead :))
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it". This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I had locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later,when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.
"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife.
She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer!
"And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral.........I'm a gynecologist.
The proctologist fainted.
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench, munching!
on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own fuckin' business.
A 300 kilo man sees an advetisment on the street one day that garentees a program for him to lose wieght.
so the man goes to this clinic and askes the nurse about there diet programs.
the nurse tells the man that the have two diffrent programs one simple for $50 and the over which is hard for $200
feeling that this is a lie the man doesnt risk the $200 and tries the simple one.
the nurse sends him into a room where he find a naked woman tell him that if he catches her he can sleep with her...
so the man runs around following the woman and loses 5 kilos and then catches her and fucks her...
he liked the idea and told the nurse he wants to try the hard program maybe there are 5 diffrent women to fuck
he enters the room and finds a talk dark man with a penis the sive of a cucumber tell the fat " if i catch u i am going to fuck u brains out"
so the fat man runs for his life.....
By: I hate bush
One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.
Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."
There was an American man that had an meeting in France. He met a woman and that night they had their own meeting. While they were where having sex, she was yelling, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX." He did not know what that meant, but assumed it to be some sort of praise.
The next day, he went to play golf with the men he had the meeting with. One of them made a hole in one. He yelled, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX !"
They looked at him and said, "what do you mean wrong hole?"
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant.
By: Diane E
The Homsi went to a fast food place and asked for a large soda. The worker there explained that their is only one size because it is all you can drink. The homsi replied, but I am really thirsty
A man is walking around New York with his wife. They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside. A hooker comes along and says to him, "Like to come home with me, buddy?", "For how much?" asks the man. "One hundred dollars." "I'll give you five bucks." The girl spits at him and walks away. A little later, the man's wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk. On the first corner they come to there is the same hooker. She takes one look at the man and his wife and says, "You see? You see what you get for five bucks?"
man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to
three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot on the
left costs 500 dollars".
Why, does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says, "Well
the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot and is told that this one costs
1,000 dollars because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus
it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and
is told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the
question, "What can it do?"
To which the owner replies, "To be honest I have never seen it do a
thing but the other two call him boss!"
Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."
The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time. "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives. "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."