A blonde had two horses, but she couldn't tell them apart. So she asked her neighbor for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses. This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence. So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses' ear. This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence. So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses. And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse.
They say that men only think about sex. That's not exactly true.
They also care a lot about power, world domination, money, and beer.
A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,
"No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'm going to do you!"
The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do. After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers back into town pretty mad.
He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,
"You know what to do."
Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says,
"You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"
By: Zohni Husami
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"
The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean.
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"
Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you ... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind of key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-kee' am I?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
By: just laugh from jenny A
A Palestinian asked another: How many times do you shave in a month . The other guy answered 350 times, The palestinian answered in a shock: are you crazy? The other guy said NO, I am a hair dresser. : )
once a squirrel went to a bar.. she told him gimme some crackers.. the bartender said they dont sell crackers here.. the next day the squirrel comes again and asks for some crackers.. n again the bartender says they dont sell crackers in here.. the third day again the sqirrel asks for some crackers.. so the bartender tells him: "if u ask for crackers again, i will nail ur head with a nail n a hammer!"
so the squirrel comes the next day n asks : do u have some nails? the bartender says no.... he asks again.. do u have a hammer? n again the bartender replies no.. so then he says: well then gimme some crackers
By: standard star
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that night at dinner, she does. About a week later she's back at the doctor. She says, "Doc, the pill worked great!! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages me right
there on the table!" The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that
strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Naah... ", she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to that
By: Ahmad Karim
So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!
By: Imad Khawaja
Blondie enters a store that sell curtains. She tells the salesman, "I
would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assured her that they had a large selection of pink
curtains. He showed her several patterns, but the blond seemed to be having
a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman asked what size curtains she needed.
The blonde replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room
are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her
The surprised salesman replies, "But, Miss, computers do not have
Blondie says, "Hellllooooooooo........I've got Windows!"
By: Anooooooos Ksaybi
There was a homsy guy walking in the street, he saw a statue at the top of the building and liked it. A guy passed by and asked if the homsy wanted to buy it. Tht Homsy agreed and gave the guy 2000 layras, the guy said to the homsy to wait for him until he got a ladder and ran away. The Homsy waited but no one came. He went back to homs and told his friends wat happened. one friend had a brilliant idea. he went to the statue and looked at it until the same guy came to seel it to him . the homsy guy bought the statue. The guy said that he was going to get the ladder. the smart homsi stopped him and said: no, no, no, i will get the ladder
why does a blonde return the donuts after buying them?**because they have holes in them!! hahah
Positive thinking goes like this!!!
When wakling down the street through your sunny vacation day,and a nice bird shits in your eye.Dont scorn nor get angry,just thank God that cows do`nt fly.
By: zohair ajlani
There Once was a guy and his dad died. his friend came over for sympathy and then asked him "how did your dad die?" and the guy says that he was crossing the street and a car ran into him. His friend was like "oh my god i am so sorry" then the guy says "but that isnt how he died". His friend then asked "then how did he die?" the guy goes "he went mountain climbing and his rope got cut off" his frind goes "oh my god i am so sorry" then the guy says "but that isnt how he dies" then his friend asked "then how did he die?" the guy says that he he took a trip to france and got in a plane crash. his friend goes "oh my god i am so sorry" then they guy says "...he was the only guy who survived the plane crash...then the friend asks "then how did he die?" then the guy goes "he wouldnt die from all the things that happened to him that we had to shoot him"
By: Simon Says:
Ways to be thrown out of Chemistry Lab :
1. Deny the existence of chemicals.
2. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as 'KKK.'
3. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you ?"
4. Mutter repeatedly, Not again... not again... not again.
5. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, My eyes!
6. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.
7. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he or she says it.
8. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid.
A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill:
"Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company.
"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"
"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning.
"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."