A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some limes and eats them; he then jumps onto the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screamed at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" said the guy.
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finished his drink, paid the bill and left the bar.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Now what?" inquires the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it." says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Who knows, maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist.
"What's could be so funny about buying a condom, anyway?"
So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes." Sure enough, the next day the same man is back, he buys the condom, and again starts cracking up with laughter, then leaves.
The pharmacist tells his clerk, go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies, "your house."
A man and a woman walk into a hospital because his wife is having a
baby. When they went into the labor room the doctor asked if they
would try out a new machine, which lowers the women's amount of pain
"It scans the DNA of the mother and father and transfers some of the
pain to the father," said the doctor.
They then decided that they would try it. The woman was hooked up to
the machine and the doctor said to the husband, "Brace yourself. This
will probably be more pain then you ever felt. Okay! Lets crank it up
to 10%. Does that hurt?" he asked the husband.
"No, not at all." "Okay," said the doctor, "lets crank it up to 30%.
How about now?"
"No. Nothing," the men said. The doctor then said, "Well then, lets
crank it all the way up."
The wife thought this was great because she was having a painless
After a while, the husband and wife were allowed to leave and when
they got home they found the mailman dead at the door.
By: ahmad taleb
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.
Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year."
A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
Q:Why does a Homsi take his medicine before the time he is suposed to take it? A: Because he wants to suprise the Bacterias
A little girl passes infront of her parents' room,takes one quick look and keeps going.
She says to herself "And they wanna send me to the shrink for sucking my fingers...."
(to some chic...gr8 jokes)
Why are there no phone books in China?
Because there are so many Wing's and Wong's, they are afraid you will Wing the Wong number.
By: pool boy
A linguistics professor was lecturing to her class one day.
"In English," she said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Q. Why did the homsi stare at the orange juice? A. Beacause it said
why was snowwhite kicked out of the Disney
- because she was found on pinochio's head saying; lie to me basterd! lie to me!
A guy walks into the Toys-R-Us toy shop in downtown New York and says to the assistant: "Could you please show me your Barbie dolls?"
She says, "Certainly, sir. Here, we have:
Fashion Barbie @ $15.95
Vacation Barbie @ $15.95
Housewife Barbie @ $15.95 and
Divorcee Barbie @ $215.95!"
The guy asks in astonishment, "Why is divorcee Barbie so much? She looks the same to me."
The assistant answers, "Well, sir, divorcee Barbie comes complete with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's etc…
how did the homsi tried to kill a fish ? he drown it in the water !!!!
A kid asked his mother: Mom why dad is bold? she said... because this is the mark of smartness... he said why you have long hair then?