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Jokes Sorted by Rate (793 Available)
By: mustafa
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
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A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
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By: xxxxxxx
One day a teacher sarcastically said, "Would all the idiots please stand up" Then after a long silence, one student stood up. So the teacher said, "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot??" "well actually I don't, but I hate to see you are the only one who is standing up.
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One day a teacher sarcastically said, "Would all the idiots please stand up" Then after a long silence, one student stood up. So the teacher said, "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot??" "well actually I don't, but I hate to see you are the only one who is standing up.
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By: Homsany
This is a good skill that we should all learn.
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Bring to me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialed the
wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you
IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!" replied the trainee and hanged-up.
Rate
This is a good skill that we should all learn.
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Bring to me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialed the
wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you
IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!" replied the trainee and hanged-up.
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By: Homsany
A young unwed girl discovers that she is pregnant. Scared,she confides
this 'news' to her mother. Shouting, cursing, crying, the
mother says,"Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later
a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man
with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive
suit steps out of it and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father,the mother and the girl,and
tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem.
However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation,
but I'll take responsibility.If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2
retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You can try again!"
Rate
A young unwed girl discovers that she is pregnant. Scared,she confides
this 'news' to her mother. Shouting, cursing, crying, the
mother says,"Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later
a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man
with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive
suit steps out of it and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father,the mother and the girl,and
tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem.
However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation,
but I'll take responsibility.If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2
retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You can try again!"
Rate
By: Ziad Shmali
A Sheikh from Qatar met his friend whom he haven't seen for a while : Where have you been my friend? - " Oh... I was holidaying in Europe .." replied the other than continued :" u should go yourself, there is sex for as many as u wish.. blonde, brunette, tall, short .. no matter what it is.." . The Sheikh here decided to go, so he purchased an airline ticket on the British Airways looking ahead to have a good time with plenty of sex. When he got into the plane he has been given the green card to fill up. He started writing : Name...., Surname... Address... Age:45,Sex: verygood???. afterwards when the stewardess checked the cards she back to him to clarify the information that he wrote. and when she asked him : " your answer to the " sex " question was : very good". He replied immediatly and proudly :" yes .. very very good". she laughed on him and said :" that's not what the question means, the question is Male or Female ", the Sheikh replied : No difference.. both alright.
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A Sheikh from Qatar met his friend whom he haven't seen for a while : Where have you been my friend? - " Oh... I was holidaying in Europe .." replied the other than continued :" u should go yourself, there is sex for as many as u wish.. blonde, brunette, tall, short .. no matter what it is.." . The Sheikh here decided to go, so he purchased an airline ticket on the British Airways looking ahead to have a good time with plenty of sex. When he got into the plane he has been given the green card to fill up. He started writing : Name...., Surname... Address... Age:45,Sex: verygood???. afterwards when the stewardess checked the cards she back to him to clarify the information that he wrote. and when she asked him : " your answer to the " sex " question was : very good". He replied immediatly and proudly :" yes .. very very good". she laughed on him and said :" that's not what the question means, the question is Male or Female ", the Sheikh replied : No difference.. both alright.
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By: zicco
You cannot fool Lebanese (and Syrian) mums:
Madame Khoury comes to have dinner at her son Zouzou, who lives
with a girl roomate, Salma ... During the course of the meal, his mother
couldn't help but notice how pretty the roommate was, and started to wonder if there was more between Zouzou and his roommate.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Zouzou volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Salma and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Salma came to Zouzou saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I' m not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Zouzou
Several days later, zouzou received an email from his mother which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Salma, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mom
Rate
You cannot fool Lebanese (and Syrian) mums:
Madame Khoury comes to have dinner at her son Zouzou, who lives
with a girl roomate, Salma ... During the course of the meal, his mother
couldn't help but notice how pretty the roommate was, and started to wonder if there was more between Zouzou and his roommate.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Zouzou volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Salma and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Salma came to Zouzou saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I' m not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Zouzou
Several days later, zouzou received an email from his mother which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Salma, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mom
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By: Omar
A very beautiful woman was walking on the roof of a building and she
falls down. On her way falling down, an American man catches her,
she says: 'Oh thank you, you saved my life, I'll do ANYTHING for you...'
The man says: 'Okay then, sleep with me.'
She says : 'You PIG!! NEVER!!'
So he says : 'FINE!' and he drops her down....
So she's falling and screaming... Suddenly a German man catches her in
the air from his balcony,
she says :'Oh thank you, you saved me, I'll do anything that you ask...'
The guy says : 'Fraulein, sleep with me.'
She replies : 'Oh you nasty pig!!! NEVER!'
So the man says : 'Fine!!!' and he also drops her down again.
She's falling and thinking that it was better if she slept with one of
those men and now she's going to die. Suddenly, a man catches the woman
from his balcony,
she says: 'Oh thank you, you saved my life, I'll SLEEP with you!!'
The man replies : 'AstaghfirAllah !' and he drops her..
Rate
A very beautiful woman was walking on the roof of a building and she
falls down. On her way falling down, an American man catches her,
she says: 'Oh thank you, you saved my life, I'll do ANYTHING for you...'
The man says: 'Okay then, sleep with me.'
She says : 'You PIG!! NEVER!!'
So he says : 'FINE!' and he drops her down....
So she's falling and screaming... Suddenly a German man catches her in
the air from his balcony,
she says :'Oh thank you, you saved me, I'll do anything that you ask...'
The guy says : 'Fraulein, sleep with me.'
She replies : 'Oh you nasty pig!!! NEVER!'
So the man says : 'Fine!!!' and he also drops her down again.
She's falling and thinking that it was better if she slept with one of
those men and now she's going to die. Suddenly, a man catches the woman
from his balcony,
she says: 'Oh thank you, you saved my life, I'll SLEEP with you!!'
The man replies : 'AstaghfirAllah !' and he drops her..
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By: Fafi
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied,"$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The,president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady , "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
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A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied,"$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The,president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady , "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
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By: Matrix
A woman took off he jeans and threw it at her husband and said: "MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!"... the husband removed his jeans threw it at her and said "WASH BOTH!"
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A woman took off he jeans and threw it at her husband and said: "MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!"... the husband removed his jeans threw it at her and said "WASH BOTH!"
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By: WB
A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon
with her for $500. So they do.Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him,
but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her,
calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the
whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check
for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am
not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I
was under the impression that:
1.. it had never been occupied;
2.. that there was plenty of heat;
3.. that is was small enough to make me cozy.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250
with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to
remain Unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if
you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed
of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it,
please do not blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be
forced to contact your present landlady!
Rate
A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon
with her for $500. So they do.Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him,
but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her,
calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the
whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check
for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am
not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I
was under the impression that:
1.. it had never been occupied;
2.. that there was plenty of heat;
3.. that is was small enough to make me cozy.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250
with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to
remain Unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if
you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed
of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it,
please do not blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be
forced to contact your present landlady!
Rate
By: ayham
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window, " I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank."
"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
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A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window, " I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank."
"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
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By: Caroline
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
crackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
crackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Rate
By: Ramia Kamaria
Q: Why do you think people aren't afraid to put homsi jokes on the internet?
A: Because the internet didn't get to Homs yet
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Q: Why do you think people aren't afraid to put homsi jokes on the internet?
A: Because the internet didn't get to Homs yet
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By: Mohammad alali
Why cats disappeared from Damascus ?
because the people in damascus colored the cats and sell them to the Homsian people as POKIMON:-))
LOL:):):)
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Why cats disappeared from Damascus ?
because the people in damascus colored the cats and sell them to the Homsian people as POKIMON:-))
LOL:):):)
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Most of the jokes in this section of the Electronic Magazine are not written by the webmasters. If you find the jokes offending, Souria.com does not assume any responsibility nor will it entertain any complaints regarding the jokes. They are not meant to be racist or offend anyone. If you would rather not read these jokes, please leave this section.
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